I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
