I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
