Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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