what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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