Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
