I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
