This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
