clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
