hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
