i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
