if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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