One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
