I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
