i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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