everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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