the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
