I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
