no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i drank out of a bidet.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
