Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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