goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Do vagina's smell?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
