you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
