Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I looked at my own cervix.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
