Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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