If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just found a bag of teeth...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
