mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
