his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You pole danced in your parka.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
