Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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