we're chasing vodka with high fives
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Randomize
