Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So much rum. So many feels.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
