Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
