Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dear god my vagina.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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