well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
