I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
