Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
