Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
