I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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