It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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