Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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