I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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