i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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