The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
