Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
