I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
