Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
