hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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