So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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