Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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