After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
