I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Randomize
