end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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